The Lurgi

It's been an emotional week this week.

The hotel has been very busy. It always is at this time of year. But we're doing a special promotion of children staying free. This means we have a large number of screaming children all over the place, touching things they shouldn't touch, and generally getting underfoot.

All the staff are suffering from The Lurgi. Everyone is coughing and sneezing. It's very hard to be polite to people when you can hardly breathe. I've been very fortunate so far, and I haven't caught it. A Blackcurrant Lemsip for breakfast seems to be keeping it at bay.

We also had some bad news today. Mr Pepe, one of our regulars, a sweet old man who was in showbusiness, was found dead in his room this morning. He had suffered from an enlarged heart for a while, and had difficulty walking. He was a favourite among the staff, and will be missed. :(

I must now prepare myself for the New Year. Not necessarily the celebrations, but my hungover work colleagues the morning after. Ho hum.

The Run Up To Christmas

Every year, for most of December, the Grand Almond Hotel has been putting on a nightly Nativity play for the locals and guests to enjoy, and at the end, Father Christmas comes out and gives all the kids in the audience a present. It's always very popular, and the kids get into it. It's like a religious pantomime, with everyone yelling out at what the shepherds say, and laughing at the Wise Men's jokes.

This year, due to budget cuts, there wasn't enough money to hire all the actors that we normally have. So, we had only two Wise Men, and Mary was a single mother, because we couldn't afford to have a Joseph. But the performances went on anyway.

While the Wise Men were doing their bit, all I could hear in the audience were the children asking their parents where the third one was.

No-one seemed to mind about Mary being on her own. Is this a sign of modern family structures these days?

The shepherds were the comic relief. The two actors were Shakespearean actors that spoke very posh, but as soon as they were on stage they spoke in a thick Cornish accent. It was quite funny to hear. Their job was to get the kids to yell stuff at them. So, for example, they would start by shouting "Do you know what we are?", and the kids would yell back "Shepherds!". One performance, however, when they asked this, one kid yelled back "Wankers!".

Another thing they would do would get words and names wrong, and get the audience to yell out the right word. SO they'd say that the angel was called Gerald, or Garfield, or Graham, and the kids would yell back Gabriel. My favourite line was that they'd say that baby Jesus was lying in a minger. Naughty chuckles from the parents would echo round the hall at this point.

It was all good fun, and I look forward to seeing how many actors we can afford next year.

Welcome to The Grand.

"Welcome to the Grand Almond Hotel. Have a pleasant stay".


My name is Drake Jones. I'm one of the senior porters here at the Grand Almond Hotel. This blog will be a way for me to express my feelings and tell of the adventures that happen where I work.


Let me tell you about where I work. The Grand Almond Hotel is a luxury, 5-star hotel, that can sleep over 700 guests, and has over 100 staff. We have a large pool, fitness area, conference rooms, and even a small theatre. We have a gourmet restaurant attached, called "The Cantina". The staff lovingly call the place "The Zoo".

The Director General is Mr Raymond Almond. He visits us occasionally, and can be found wandering around the lobby, head tilted playfully to one side, chatting to the guests and staff.

The hotel manager is Marcus Halliwell. He is well liked, and he is someone who started at the bottom and has risen up through the ranks to the position that he is now. He's the kind of guy you could go down the pub with and have a laugh. I also have a bit of a crush on him.

My section boss is Abigail Richards. She is a very lovely woman, and she likes to get drunk at parties and then get her breasts out.

So yeah, this is my life. I'll introduce you to more of my work coleagues as I write the blogs, as well as some of the regulars we have staying here. So stay tuned, and "have a pleasant stay".