Bad Backs and Bouncing Babies

I've been suffering from back ache for a while. I blame it on the lugging of heavy suitcases up and down stairs for guests.

Fortunately for me, I'm married to a yoga teacher, and he has shown me a good yoga position for bad backs, so I've spent many a time recently kneeling down, leant forward with my head touching the floor. It works really well. Although I wouldn't recommend doing it at work, as you do get funny looks from visitors. Someone thought I was Muslim and was praying to Mecca.

On a happier note, we had an exciting day last Tuesday. We have a family staying with us - the Orlov family, from Russia - Mr and Mrs Orlov, and their four children. One of my work colleagues came rushing down to inform us that Mrs Orlov was about to give birth. Really? We didn't even know she was pregnant. She certainly hid it well.

So, we dashed up the stairs, and by the time we reached their room, Mrs Orlov had already given birth. To twins. All the other children were fussing over them, but Mr Orlov was nowhere to be seen. We eventually found him outside, at the pool bar, having a beer and a cigarette. He said that Mrs Orlov always gets cranky after having a baby, so he's got into the habit of staying out of her way for a few days. so, we graciously found him a single room to stay in until it was safe to move back in with her.

That's about it. It's half term now, so we have more guests, so hopefully I'll have some more tales for you soon.

Dealing with the Sick

People have been unwell this week.

Many of the staff are still suffering from winter lurgi. Poor young Nerys - a lovely Welsh girl I work with - has been suffering very badly. She keeps coming in to work, then being sent home sick.

I've had to deal with a few sick guests this week. The first was a South American woman. Her name is Sauna (great name!). She and her husband, Bonito, are regulars here. They're a lovely couple. Sauna was taken ill, and the hotel doctor came round to see her. The doctor actually perfomed a medical procedure in her room (women's problems. I didn't want to pry). I was asked to help with the initial stage. Sauna was made comfy in her bed, and the doctor injected her. I sat with her as the anaesthetic started to work. It was kind of funny to watch Sauna nod off, and then wake up again sharply, then fall slowly back to sleep, then wake up again.

She's fine now, and roaming around with her husband as if nothing had happened.

One of the staff also noticed drops of blood in one of the public areas a few days ago. Curious, we followed the trail, and it led to another of our regular guests - a man from Turkey called Noah. He is here with a friend called Moses. Both are fun guys to be with. Neither are very bright, though, and they seem to be motivated by food (they're always the first at the dining room when it's lunch time).

Noah and Moses

Anyway. We followed the blood trail to Noah, who seemed to be unaware he was bleeding. We saw that the blood was coming from his left foot. On closer inspection, he somehow seemed to have ripped out one of his toenails. It wasn't very nice to see.

So, I sat with Noah, keeping his foot up, with a tissue pressed to his toe, while my colleague went to fetch the hotel doctor. When he arrived, he quickly stopped the blood and bandaged him up. However, that wasn't the last of it. Noah was told that he couldn't put any weight on his foot for a while, otherwise it would start bleeding again. So, I became a human crutch. Noah was quite happy, and blissfully unaware of how heavy he is. But we managed. He's still the first in line at the breakfast buffet.

On a side note, we had a young couple book in this week. They are from Malaysia. Most of the staff think they are twin guys. But I have my suspicions. I'm sure one of them is a girl. Both dress the same and have the same haircuts. Hmmm. I'll let you know on that one.

So that's it from The Grand this week. Hopefully the weather will pick up and we'll have more visitors soon. It's not long now until half term, so we'll have our usual rush of families in. Hopefully, they'll be well and healthy...

A Nik In Time

I don't listen to music very often. A year ago, I was feeling very depressed, and didn't know why. I then realised that I was becoming very emotional with every song that was played. I'd listen to a slow song and feel sad. Even if the song had no relevance to me. Even while working at work, I couldn't listen to the radio for fear of suddenly bursting into tears and someone walking in and seeing me.


So, I stopped listening to music.


However, I have recently started up again, all thanks to the rediscovery of my favourite singer from the 1980's - Nik Kershaw.


He is still going strong (he's now 53!), still writing songs and touring.

Nik Kershaw, then and now

I've never found anyone who writes lyrics quite like him. Nowadays, most people write songs about love found and love lost. Although Nik has written songs like this, most of his songs are of more unusual topics. I still have no idea what "The Riddle" is about, but all I know is that it made a great dungeon that I for my games group many years ago. And how many songs do you know about "Don Quixote"?

His new stuff is good too. He's even produced an acoustic album of his old songs, turning classics like "Human Racing", "Wouldn't It Be Good", and "Dancing Girls" into folk ballads.

He has restored my faith in music. Thank you, Mr Kershaw.

Now, shall I start relistening to Howard Jones....?

The Squirrel Saviour

It's been another eventful week at the Grand Almond Hotel. Our managers seem to have gone away on holiday at the same time, so the kids are in charge!

I had an odd encounter the other day. I received a phone call from the chefs saying that there was a squirrel stuck in a bin behind the kitchens, and could I help them. Why don't they just tip the bin over, I thought. However, when I got there, I realised that that wouldn't have helped.

We have large green wheely skips outside the kitchens, where all the waste food goes. In the bottom of them is a hole, about 4 inches in diameter, in which sits a plug. If you want to clean the skip, you take the plug out and hose it down.

One of the bins was missing its plug, and a squirrel, lured by the smell of food, decided to poke his head up through the hole and start eating. He then became too fat to fit back through the hole. So, this poor squirrel was wedged, top half in the skip, bottom half outside it, panicking.

So, I grabbed some thick gloves from the grounds staff and climbed into the bin. My first idea was to try to push it back down. However, the squirrel was so fat, it wouldn't move down. So, I held my gloved hand close to its mouth (it bit into the glove), and I very gently pulled, while massaging and gently squeezing it. After a short time, its hips came up through the hole, and it was free.

I received a round of applause from the kitchen staff, who had come to watch, and was proclaimed the Squirrel Saviour. If there were any more trapped squirrels, then I was now the man to call upon.

Another interesting thing happened this week (although not as interesting as Squirrelgate). We have a regular guest called Miss Jessica leMuir. She is a retired actress, having performed on the stage for years. Whenever she visits, we have to change the rotas, for Miss Jessica despises men. She is very quick to anger at any man who tries to be nice to her. So, when she visits, we make sure there are women on reception, and waitresses in the restaurant and bar.

She has started to take a liking to me. She was very happy when I brought her breakfast, and she smiles at me as we pass in the corridors. I don't know what I've done, but it's nice to be the only man she likes.

That's about it for this week.

Oh. On a sidenote, I saw Sir Ian McKellen on my day off, going down the escalators at Tottenham Court Road station. I was going up at the time. It was definitely him, because he was talking to a woman who was with him, and he has quite a distinctive voice.

Media Frenzy

I've been in a bad mood all week. I don't know why. I've been snapping at people and asserting my authority a bit too much. Perhaps it's the weather. Standing out in the rain trying to be nice to people isn't easy sometimes. Perhaps it's the time of year. We're not busy in January and February, so there's not much to do. So I'm sorry to anyone I may have insulted or raised my voice to or been sarcastic to this week.

We had a media frenzy at the hotel on tuesday this week. Every year we make a new advert for the hotel, and each year it attracts a lot of people from the papers, so we've had various people interviewed around the place and photographers taking photos of everything we do. This year, however, they were all very well behaved. None made any stupid requests - "can you move that antique painting onto the other wall so it's it my photo" - or asked us to do silly things - "can you get that elderly man to sit on your lap and smile, please".

We're about to have a new pool built. The workmen have fenced off a large area of the complex and are about to rip out the old pool and build us a bigger, better one. The work, however, was supposed to start in September 2010, and was supposed to be finished by Easter this year, for the start of our busy season. It ain't gonna happen. Predictions put it at the end of May. Hmmm. That means lots of angry visitors over Easter because there is no pool. We'll all have to be extra chirpy that week. Joy!

The hotel manager, Marcus Halliwell, is a runner. He goes off for a run during his lunch break. I saw him the other day, and jokingly said he should wear lycra, because he'd look good in it. He winked at me and said if I bought him some, he'd wear it. So I called his bluff and bought him a nice pair of lycra shorts. Let's see if he wears them...

That's about it for this week. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood next week. Should be. A work colleague and I are visiting the Boat Show, which should be fun. I'll let you know all about it next week.

The Lurgi

It's been an emotional week this week.

The hotel has been very busy. It always is at this time of year. But we're doing a special promotion of children staying free. This means we have a large number of screaming children all over the place, touching things they shouldn't touch, and generally getting underfoot.

All the staff are suffering from The Lurgi. Everyone is coughing and sneezing. It's very hard to be polite to people when you can hardly breathe. I've been very fortunate so far, and I haven't caught it. A Blackcurrant Lemsip for breakfast seems to be keeping it at bay.

We also had some bad news today. Mr Pepe, one of our regulars, a sweet old man who was in showbusiness, was found dead in his room this morning. He had suffered from an enlarged heart for a while, and had difficulty walking. He was a favourite among the staff, and will be missed. :(

I must now prepare myself for the New Year. Not necessarily the celebrations, but my hungover work colleagues the morning after. Ho hum.

The Run Up To Christmas

Every year, for most of December, the Grand Almond Hotel has been putting on a nightly Nativity play for the locals and guests to enjoy, and at the end, Father Christmas comes out and gives all the kids in the audience a present. It's always very popular, and the kids get into it. It's like a religious pantomime, with everyone yelling out at what the shepherds say, and laughing at the Wise Men's jokes.

This year, due to budget cuts, there wasn't enough money to hire all the actors that we normally have. So, we had only two Wise Men, and Mary was a single mother, because we couldn't afford to have a Joseph. But the performances went on anyway.

While the Wise Men were doing their bit, all I could hear in the audience were the children asking their parents where the third one was.

No-one seemed to mind about Mary being on her own. Is this a sign of modern family structures these days?

The shepherds were the comic relief. The two actors were Shakespearean actors that spoke very posh, but as soon as they were on stage they spoke in a thick Cornish accent. It was quite funny to hear. Their job was to get the kids to yell stuff at them. So, for example, they would start by shouting "Do you know what we are?", and the kids would yell back "Shepherds!". One performance, however, when they asked this, one kid yelled back "Wankers!".

Another thing they would do would get words and names wrong, and get the audience to yell out the right word. SO they'd say that the angel was called Gerald, or Garfield, or Graham, and the kids would yell back Gabriel. My favourite line was that they'd say that baby Jesus was lying in a minger. Naughty chuckles from the parents would echo round the hall at this point.

It was all good fun, and I look forward to seeing how many actors we can afford next year.